I don't know how it is at your end, but in my little section of the universe people are always sending me little jokes.
To bring a smile to someone's face is a most magical thing and a few of the following made me giggle so I hope to pass the magic on
and maybe you will giggle too. If you enjoy these, and want me to send you some humor by email, just let me know!
Not all jokes are "clean" so take heed and -- Enjoy......
"Gasm's"
Married over five years and you get “I've got mine, you get your-gasms"
With marshmallows and chocolate you get a smore-gasm
Married 1-2 years you have “do it on the “floor-gasm’s
Out when you are shopping and you get a store-gasm
Doing it when you don’t want to is a “chore-gasm”
Newly wed’s have do it until your “sore-gasm’s”
Doing it on the beach gives you a “shore-gasm”
Looking for mushrooms you get “Spore-gasm’s”
If you are bisexual you get an “either or-gasm”
Psychics get a “I know what’s in store–gasm”
If you are homeless, you get a poor-gasm
Bruce Willis had “Demi Moore-gasm’s”
Chuffers have a open the door-gasm
Pay for it and you get a whore-gasm
In the army you get a “War-gasm”
Porn queens get more-gasms
Golfers have a fore-gasm
Bad sex is a bore-gasm
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. She can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says,
"Pepper."
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says,
"Pepper."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,...
don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?"
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,...
don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?"
The leader of the nuns has a group meeting and says to all the nuns "We had a man here last night".
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
The lead nun says, "I found a condom".
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
Then the head nun goes" It had a hole in it".
All the nuns go " hehe", and one of them goes "o No!"
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
The lead nun says, "I found a condom".
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
Then the head nun goes" It had a hole in it".
All the nuns go " hehe", and one of them goes "o No!"
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Just as he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager ok'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, "What happened, didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample? "The man went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing. "The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? "The old man replied, "Yep , but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damned jar open."
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swee-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Then minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me----" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad --you're drunk!"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the
water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly
replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the
dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her
if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was yes. Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse." The researcher was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work. As they
approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their
curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until finally one
of them can see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top, sees Snowwhite
and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf
who`s shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the
Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says: "They`re Kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re ......."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off............"
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both........."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to.........."
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and so she gets up to
investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says: "She`s Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another on the opposite bank.
Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back, "You are on the other side."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he
was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one
into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how
he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?""
"It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue
light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and
examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last
pullover. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue
light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and
examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last
pullover. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.